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When I was pregnant I remember thinking that “I got this, I am going to be a natural and I am gonna handle this gracefully and do everything “perfectly””
And then, I was 2 days postpartum thinking to myself. “what were you thinking, your life is never gonna be the same again and what do you even know about taking care of a baby”? – These were my exact words.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
The Identity Shift We Don’t Prepare For
Parenthood is often described as life-changing—and it is. But what’s less talked about is how it changes you from the inside out.
Beyond the sleepless nights and new routines, many parents experience a profound shift in identity. The roles, routines, and parts of self that once felt stable can suddenly feel distant or unclear.
Research consistently shows that becoming a parent involves not just practical adjustment, but a psychological reorganization of the self. This can include shifts in values, priorities, relationships, and self-perception.
It’s not simply about adding a new role. It’s about redefining who you are.
What Is Matrescence?
The term matrescence refers to the developmental transition into motherhood that encompasses emotional, hormonal, psychological, and social changes.
It was first coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s, drawing a parallel to adolescence as a period of significant transformation.
More recently, psychiatrist Alexandra Sacks has helped bring the concept into mainstream mental health conversations, emphasizing that this transition is normal, expected, and often misunderstood.
Matrescence includes:
- Identity shifts
- Emotional vulnerability
- Changing relationships
- Conflicting feelings (joy, grief, love, loss)
Importantly, it’s not limited to the early postpartum period—it can unfold over months or even years.
Why This Transition Feels So Disorienting
From a psychological perspective, identity is built through continuity—our routines, roles, relationships, and internal narratives. Parenthood disrupts many of these at once.
Studies in developmental psychology suggest that major life transitions (like becoming a parent) can temporarily destabilize one’s sense of self before a new identity is integrated (Laney et al., 2015).
At the same time, there are biological changes at play:
- Hormonal fluctuations affecting mood and emotional regulation
- Changes in brain structure related to caregiving and attachment (Kim et al., 2016)
- Increased stress load due to sleep deprivation and responsibility
This combination can make it feel like:
- You’re not as confident as before
- Your sense of self has “shrunk”
- You’re constantly questioning yourself
But this isn’t regression. It’s reorganization.
Holding Two Truths at Once
One of the most difficult emotional experiences in early parenthood is the coexistence of opposing feelings.
You might feel:
- Deep love and deep exhaustion
- Gratitude and grief for your old life
- Connection and loneliness
Research on maternal adjustment highlights that ambivalence is not only common, but a healthy part of adaptation(Mercer, 2004).
Yet many parents struggle with guilt around these feelings, interpreting them as a sign that something is wrong. In reality, these emotions reflect the complexity of the transition, not a failure to cope
“Losing Yourself” vs. Reconstructing Identity
It’s common to hear parents say, “I feel like I’ve lost myself.”
And in some ways, that feeling makes sense.
Parts of your previous identity—your independence, routines, professional role, or social life—may be less accessible right now.
But research suggests that identity during parenthood is not lost—it is reconstructed.
You are integrating:
- Who you were
- Who you are now
- Who you are becoming
This process takes time.
And importantly, it’s not linear.
What Helps During This Transition
While there’s no quick solution, there are evidence-informed ways to support yourself through this shift:
1. Naming the Experience
Simply understanding matrescence can reduce distress. When you can name what’s happening, it becomes less confusing and less isolating. Psychoeducation has been shown to improve emotional adjustment in new parents by normalizing their experience.
2. Creating Space for Your Internal World
Even brief moments of reflection—journaling, pausing, or noticing your thoughts—can help maintain a connection to your sense of self. This supports identity continuity during periods of change.
3. Reducing All-or-Nothing Thinking
Instead of asking, “Am I a good parent or not?”, try holding more flexible perspectives:
- “I’m learning”
- “This is new for me”
Cognitive flexibility is strongly linked to better emotional regulation and lower anxiety.
4. Seeking Support
Social and therapeutic support plays a key role in identity integration.
Studies show that feeling emotionally supported reduces the risk of postpartum anxiety and depression while improving confidence in the parenting role.
A Different Question
Instead of asking,
“How do I get back to who I was?”
Try asking,
“Who am I becoming?”
Because the goal isn’t to return to your old identity. It’s to build a new on that includes your experiences, your growth, and your evolving sense of self. If you’ve found yourself feeling unfamiliar to yourself in this season, you’re not alone, and you’re not doing anything wrong.
You are in the middle of a deeply human, deeply complex transition.
Identity in parenthood isn’t something that disappears. It’s something that is reshaped—slowly, quietly, and often without recognition. Over time, with support and space, that sense of self becomes clearer again, not as who you were, but as someone more integrated, more aware, and more fully human.
Reviewed and edited by Rashmi Ramalingam RP. (Qualifying) at Finding Solutions Together.
See Rashmi’s bio here.
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