The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: Why Relationships Feel Like Push and Pull

What Is the Anxious-Avoidant Trap?

The anxious-avoidant trap is a common relationship pattern where one partner’s need for closeness triggers the other’s need for space. This creates a push-pull cycle that feels frustrating and emotionally draining.

How Attachment Styles Play a Role

• Anxious attachment: Craves reassurance, fears rejection, seeks closeness.
• Avoidant attachment: Values independence, feels overwhelmed by too much closeness, pulls away to protect vulnerability.

Together, these styles feed the cycle—the more one partner pursues, the more the other withdraws.

Signs You’re in the Cycle

• Arguing about “needing space” vs. “not feeling loved”
• Periods of closeness followed by withdrawal
• One partner feels too dependent, the other feels trapped
• Breakups and reunions
• Exhaustion from repeated push-pull patterns

Why Opposites Attract

At first, anxious and avoidant partners may balance each other—the anxious partner brings energy, while the avoidant partner brings calm. But over time, those differences trigger fear of abandonment on one side and fear of engulfment on the other.

Breaking the Cycle

1. Name the Pattern – Recognize the loop instead of blaming your partner.
2. Self-Regulate – Calm yourself before reacting or shutting down.
3. Practice Secure Behaviours – Be consistent, communicate needs clearly, and listen openly.
4. Seek Therapy – Couples therapy, especially Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), can help partners shift from fear-based patterns to connection.

The anxious-avoidant trap doesn’t mean your relationship is broken—it’s a pattern that can change. With awareness, secure behaviours, and support, couples can build stronger, more connected bonds.

Reviewed and edited by Tracy Spear MSW, RSW (Master of Social Work, Registered Psychotherapist) at Finding Solutions Together.