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Why This Struggle Feels So Heavy
If you’ve ever said “yes” when every part of you wanted to say “no,” or found yourself rewriting an email for the tenth time so it feels “just right,” you’re not alone.
People-pleasing and perfectionism often go hand in hand. They can make you feel trapped in a cycle of over-giving, overworking, and overthinking—while quietly neglecting your own needs. Sometimes, this people pleasing comes from feeling undeserving of care or worry of conflict.
From the outside, these traits might look like kindness, dedication, and high standards. But on the inside, they can lead to anxiety, burnout, resentment, and a sense that you’re never “enough.”
The good news? There’s a research-backed approach that can help you step out of that exhausting loop. It’s called self-compassion—and it’s not about being selfish or lowering your standards. It’s about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you so readily give to others.
Understanding People-Pleasing: More Than Just Being “Nice”
People-pleasing is more than being polite or considerate—it’s a pattern of putting others’ needs, feelings, and approval above your own, often at the expense of your mental health. You may have done this for so long that your own needs seem nonexistent or foreign.
Psychologists suggest that people-pleasing often develops as a coping strategy, especially in childhood. Maybe you learned that your value came from keeping the peace, earning praise, or avoiding conflict. While this may have helped you feel safe or accepted back then, as an adult, it can erode your boundaries and sense of self.
Signs you might be caught in people-pleasing:
- Saying yes when you would rather say no
- Avoiding conflict at all costs
- Feeling guilty for resting or prioritizing your needs
- Over-apologizing, even when you’ve done nothing wrong
Perfectionism: The Illusion of “If I Just Do Better”
Perfectionism is often mistaken for healthy ambition—but they’re not the same. Healthy striving is driven by growth and learning. Perfectionism is driven by fear—fear of mistakes, criticism, or not measuring up.
Research shows that perfectionism is linked to higher rates of anxiety, depression, and burnout (Flett & Hewitt, 2016). It creates an impossible standard that ensures you never truly feel satisfied with your work or yourself.
Signs of perfectionism:
- Setting unrealistically high expectations for yourself
- Focusing on flaws instead of strengths
- Procrastinating because you fear doing something imperfectly
- Struggling to celebrate your accomplishments or feel satisfied with your work
The Link Between People-Pleasing and Perfectionism
While they may look different, people-pleasing and perfectionism often share the same root: a belief that your worth depends on what you do for others and how flawlessly you do it.
This can lead to a double-bind:
- You overextend yourself to make others happy (people-pleasing)
- You try to do everything perfectly so you can feel secure or valued (perfectionism)
The result? Chronic stress, emotional exhaustion, and feeling disconnected from your authentic self.
Why Self-Compassion is the Antidote
Self-compassion, as defined by psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, involves three key elements:
- Self-kindness – talking to your self with kindness instead of harsh self-criticism.
- Common humanity – remembering that everyone makes mistakes and struggles and that’s ok!
- Mindfulness – noticing your feelings without getting lost in them or pushing them away.
Research has shown that self-compassion is linked to lower anxiety, less perfectionism, and greater emotional resilience (Neff & Germer, 2013). Unlike self-esteem, self-compassion doesn’t depend on your achievements—it’s about how you treat yourself when you’re struggling.
Practical Tools to Cultivate Self-Compassion
- Talk to Yourself Like a Friend
When you make a mistake or feel you’ve let someone down, notice the voice in your head. Is it critical or compassionate? Imagine what you’d say to a dear friend in the same situation—and say it to yourself.
- Practice “The Pause” Before Saying Yes
If you tend to agree to things immediately, try saying, “Let me check and get back to you.” This small pause gives you space to assess whether a request aligns with your energy, values, and schedule and then find a way to share that answer.
- Reframe Mistakes as Learning
When perfectionism kicks in, remind yourself that mistakes are part of growth. Instead of, “I failed,” try, “I learned something important for next time.”
- Set “Compassionate Boundaries”
Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re guidelines for how you can show up for yourself and others. Communicating them with kindness can strengthen relationships. If you find that a relationship is strained with boundaries, it may be an indicator to check the health of that relationship.
- Try a Self-Compassion Break
When feeling stressed or overwhelmed, pause and say to yourself:
- “This is a moment of struggle.” (Mindfulness)
- “Struggle is part of being human.” (Common humanity)
- “May I be kind to myself right now.” (Self-kindness)
Even a minute of this can lower your stress response. Many brain studies have shown the positive effects of empathy from others and to self.
The Long-Term Benefits of Self-Compassion
Over time, practicing self-compassion can:
- Reduce burnout and emotional fatigue
- Improve relationships (because you’re not giving from an empty cup)
- Increase resilience during setbacks
- Support healthier, more realistic goals
- Help you reconnect with your authentic values and desires
A Gentle Reminder
People-pleasing and perfectionism are not “flaws” you need to erase—they’re learned strategies you developed to feel valued and accepted. The fact that you’re reading this means you’re ready to find a healthier way forward.
Self-compassion isn’t about lowering your standards—it’s about releasing the impossible ones and treating yourself like someone worth caring for (because you are).
If you recognize yourself in these patterns, know that change is possible. You can learn to set boundaries without guilt, embrace imperfection without shame, and give yourself the same grace you give others.
Working with a therapist can provide the strategies, insight, and accountability you need to break free from old patterns and build a healthier relationship with yourself.
Ready to take the first step? Reach out to a therapist today. You deserve the same compassion you offer to others.
Reviewed and edited by Nicole Bolotenko RP. (Registered Psychotherapist) at Finding Solutions Together.
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