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“I Don’t Know What to Say”: Supporting a Colleague in Crisis
In emergency services—whether you’re a firefighter, paramedic, police officer, or dispatcher—you’re trained to respond quickly and effectively to other people’s crises. But when it’s your own colleague who’s struggling, the right words don’t always come easily.
Maybe a teammate breaks down after a tough call. Maybe someone’s been acting “off” for weeks, showing up late or withdrawing. Maybe a colleague finally says out loud what you’ve feared for a while: “I’m not okay.”
And suddenly, the uniform doesn’t feel like armor anymore.
This blog is for first responders and emergency personnel who want to support their peers but aren’t sure how. You’ll learn how to talk to someone in crisis, what to avoid saying, and how to offer support that’s grounded in empathy—not pressure.
Why Supporting Fellow First Responders Matters
Emergency services culture often values toughness, composure, and stoicism. These qualities can be essential on the job—but they can also make it hard to ask for help or admit when something’s wrong.
According to the Canadian Institute for Public Safety Research and Treatment (CIPSRT), public safety personnel are at least twice as likely to experience PTSD and depression than the general public (CIPSRT, 2018). And while peer support can be life-changing, stigma and silence often get in the way.
That’s why how we respond matters. One supportive conversation can make the difference between someone reaching out—or retreating further into isolation.
Signs a Colleague May Be in Crisis
Not every person in distress will say “I need help.” Sometimes the signs are subtle. Here’s what to watch for:
- Withdrawing from the group or isolating
- Increased irritability, anger, or mood swings
- Missed shifts or frequent sick calls
- Risk-taking or reckless behavior on or off the job
- Talking about feeling hopeless, helpless, or like life is a burden
- Substance use or drinking more than usual
- Saying things like “What’s the point?” or “You’d be better off without me”
Even if you’re unsure, trust your gut. If something feels off, it’s okay to check in. Timing is important. Depending upon the closeness of your relationship it might be wise to ask is this is a good time to talk before you begin.
What to Say to a Colleague in Crisis
When someone is struggling, your job isn’t to fix it. Your job is to be a calm, non-judgmental presence. Here are some ways to do that:
- Start with Careful Curiosity
“Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been quieter lately. How are you doing?”
Use observation, not accusation. Keep your tone soft and open.
- Validate and Normalize Their Experience
“That sounds really tough. Anyone would be affected by that.”
Validation communicates: Your reaction makes sense. You are not alone.
- Offer Support Without Pressure
“I’m here if you want to talk—or if you just want to sit in silence.”
This takes the pressure off and gives them control, which is empowering in crisis.
- Ask Directly About Safety (If Needed)
If someone seems deeply hopeless or mentions self-harm:
“Are you thinking about hurting yourself?”
This might feel awkward, but it won’t put the idea in their head. Asking about suicide can actually lower the risk by showing someone they’re not alone (CDC, 2022).
If the answer is yes or unclear, stay with them and call for professional help (supervisor, peer support team, crisis line, or 911 if needed).
What Not to Say to a Colleague in Crisis
Even with good intentions, some responses can cause more harm than comfort. Here’s what to avoid:
“You just need to toughen up.”
This reinforces shame and the belief that needing help is weakness.
“You think you’ve got it bad? Listen to what happened to me…”
While sharing your own story can sometimes help, in the moment of crisis, it can feel invalidating or like a competition.
“Just take a few days off and you’ll be fine.”
Time off can help—but it doesn’t replace real support, connection, or treatment.
“Don’t tell anyone.”
Discouraging someone from seeking help only deepens stigma. Instead, normalize it.
“You’re not alone in this. A lot of us go through something similar. There’s help available.”
Practical Ways to Support Beyond Words
Sometimes support is about what you do, not just what you say.
Walk With Them
Offer to walk with them to a supervisor, peer support lead, or counsellor if they’re open to it.
Check In Again
Even if they seemed “okay” after the first talk, check in a few days later.
“Just wanted to see how you’re holding up. I’ve been thinking about you.”
Know Your Resources
Keep local and internal mental health resources handy. That might include:
- Peer Support Teams
- EAP or internal counselling services
- Crisis lines (e.g., Talk Suicide Canada: 1-833-456-4566)
- Trauma-informed therapists experienced in emergency services
At Finding Solutions Together we have Community Resource Cards available for assistance in Durham Region. Agencies in other areas may have something similar. Handing someone a number is easier than pushing them to talk.
If You’re the One Struggling
Maybe you’re the one who feels on the edge—and no one has noticed yet.
Please know:
- You can get through this. Your recovery is possible.
- Reaching out for support is an act of courage.
- Many of your peers have felt this way too.
- You’re not alone.
- You deserve the same care you give to others.
The Culture Is Changing—Be Part of the Shift
For too long, silence, shame, and “suck it up” culture have kept first responders suffering in the dark. But that’s changing.
More departments are embracing peer support, therapy, and trauma-informed care. More responders are speaking out. And it starts with small, quiet moments—like one colleague showing up for another.
Be that person.
If you or a colleague are struggling, reach out to a trauma-informed therapist or peer support resource. You are not alone—and help is always available.
Reviewed and edited by Susan Packer RP, M-Div counselling (Registered Psychotherapist) at Finding Solutions Together.
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